Image from: https://vixstar1314.wordpress.com/2010/11/12/cross-paths/blackandwhitebusycitypeopleraining-ab6d5bf677544a9da623d7c33ede04_h/
The Poem
The Poem
The last project that my class worked on was a poetry unit. We translated two very different poems. The first was a modern poem by Erwin Uhrmann. This was relatively free in from, with no definite meter or rhyme scheme. (You may find out about his recently published poems by following the link to his website in The Prose section.) The second poem was by Rainer Maria Rilke. Ich fürchte mich so vor der Menschen Wort is a text with a very specific meter and rhyme scheme. This proved to be an exciting challege and the translated work is something that I am still working on. Below you will find this poem in the original German, my translation, and my reflection. I have also included, at the end of my reflection, a previous draft of the poem. Perhaps that will help show the changes that this process required.
The Original Poem
Ich fürchte mich so vor der Menschen Wort
Ich fürchte mich so vor der Menschen Wort.
Sie Sprechen alles so deutlich aus:
Und dieses heißt Hund und jenes heißt Haus
und hier ist Beginn und das Ende ist dort.
Mich bangt auch ihr Sinn, ihr Spiel mit dem Spott,
sie wissen alles, was wird und war;
kein Berg is ihnen mehr wunderbar;
ihr Garten und Gut grenzt grade an Gott.
Ich will immer warnen und wehren: Bleibt fern.
Die Dinge singen hör ich so gern.
Ihr rührt sie an: Sie sind starr und stumm.
Ihr bringt mir alle die Dinge um.
- Rainer Maria Rilke, 1899
Ich fürchte mich so vor der Menschen Wort
Ich fürchte mich so vor der Menschen Wort.
Sie Sprechen alles so deutlich aus:
Und dieses heißt Hund und jenes heißt Haus
und hier ist Beginn und das Ende ist dort.
Mich bangt auch ihr Sinn, ihr Spiel mit dem Spott,
sie wissen alles, was wird und war;
kein Berg is ihnen mehr wunderbar;
ihr Garten und Gut grenzt grade an Gott.
Ich will immer warnen und wehren: Bleibt fern.
Die Dinge singen hör ich so gern.
Ihr rührt sie an: Sie sind starr und stumm.
Ihr bringt mir alle die Dinge um.
- Rainer Maria Rilke, 1899
My Translation
I fear so the word of man
I fear so the word of man.
All expressed has such precision:
And this is called hound and that is called house
and here is begin and the end is there.
I fear the meaning, the mocking game,
all is known, what will be and was;
mountains no longer hold any splendor;
garden and grounds go straight to God.
I want ever to warn and resist: Stay away.
I want to hear the singing things.
You touch them: they are stiff and dumb.
You kill the things for me.
I fear so the word of man
I fear so the word of man.
All expressed has such precision:
And this is called hound and that is called house
and here is begin and the end is there.
I fear the meaning, the mocking game,
all is known, what will be and was;
mountains no longer hold any splendor;
garden and grounds go straight to God.
I want ever to warn and resist: Stay away.
I want to hear the singing things.
You touch them: they are stiff and dumb.
You kill the things for me.
My Reflection
Although it was one of the shortest texts that we translated this semester, this poem was the most difficult. The translation above is only one in a series of revisions, and it is sure to be worked on and improved again.This project was a lesson in what to leave out, in how to translate the mood of the poem more than anything else. I enjoyed translating Erwin Uhrmann's poem, but this poem, with its precise structure, provided more of a challenge and forced me to address certain issues that I had not even though of.
Meter and rhyme are incredibly important to this poem. Three stanzas include four lines each, with every line consisting of an iambic tetrameter. The rhyme scheme runs abba/cddc/eeff. Alliteration is scattered throughout, such as "Spiel mit dem Spott" or "Garten und Gut grenzt grade an Gott." The meaning is also a little vague - is it the people that Rilke is scared of or the words themselves? I found that there was no possible way to include everything that this poem incorporated. The English reader would not be reading the same poem as the German reader. I therefore had to figure out what could be left out. I decided to avoid the rhyme scheme. When I first read the poem, the regular meter was much stronger to my ear than the rhyming. In fact, I had to really study the poem to see the rhyme scheme. I also thought that it would not be possible for me to create a good-sounding work if I tied myself to the idea that every line should rhyme. I did leave in some alliteration though, such as "garden and grounds go straight to God." "The meaning, the mocking game" does not have the same alliteration as in the German ("m" replaces "sp"), but it still remains faithful to having alliteration in that line. Once I decided to focus on meter, I set about on the arduous task of having each line sound good and contain the regular tetrameter. But here I stumbled, as the last line is still one beat short of the required length. However, as it is the last line, it can be seen as poignant.
Another substantial change I made to my rendition of this poem was my choice to exclude a few pronouns. A pronoun plays a very important role in every line in the second stanza of the original. However, in my translation, there is absolutely no pronoun in the second stanza. I'm still deciding if this works, but there were two reasons why I did this. As I said before, the poem can be interpreted as either fear of people or fear of words, or both. I really liked this ambiguity and felt that in English the absence of these pronouns could convey that well. I also wanted to make my translation less wordy, which this exclusion made possible. Perhaps it sounds better with the pronouns. However, at the moment, I like the sound of this version.
This project really made me rethink what fidelity to the original text could encompass. In this case, fidelity was not being faithful to the specific word choices or meaning of the text. Rather, it was being faithful to the mood the poem invokes. A rhythm and perhaps a voice of regretful disapproval, perhaps longing, is needed to really be faithful to the poem. This process was an intriguing one, and one that I wonder if I will ever fully comprehend.
Although it was one of the shortest texts that we translated this semester, this poem was the most difficult. The translation above is only one in a series of revisions, and it is sure to be worked on and improved again.This project was a lesson in what to leave out, in how to translate the mood of the poem more than anything else. I enjoyed translating Erwin Uhrmann's poem, but this poem, with its precise structure, provided more of a challenge and forced me to address certain issues that I had not even though of.
Meter and rhyme are incredibly important to this poem. Three stanzas include four lines each, with every line consisting of an iambic tetrameter. The rhyme scheme runs abba/cddc/eeff. Alliteration is scattered throughout, such as "Spiel mit dem Spott" or "Garten und Gut grenzt grade an Gott." The meaning is also a little vague - is it the people that Rilke is scared of or the words themselves? I found that there was no possible way to include everything that this poem incorporated. The English reader would not be reading the same poem as the German reader. I therefore had to figure out what could be left out. I decided to avoid the rhyme scheme. When I first read the poem, the regular meter was much stronger to my ear than the rhyming. In fact, I had to really study the poem to see the rhyme scheme. I also thought that it would not be possible for me to create a good-sounding work if I tied myself to the idea that every line should rhyme. I did leave in some alliteration though, such as "garden and grounds go straight to God." "The meaning, the mocking game" does not have the same alliteration as in the German ("m" replaces "sp"), but it still remains faithful to having alliteration in that line. Once I decided to focus on meter, I set about on the arduous task of having each line sound good and contain the regular tetrameter. But here I stumbled, as the last line is still one beat short of the required length. However, as it is the last line, it can be seen as poignant.
Another substantial change I made to my rendition of this poem was my choice to exclude a few pronouns. A pronoun plays a very important role in every line in the second stanza of the original. However, in my translation, there is absolutely no pronoun in the second stanza. I'm still deciding if this works, but there were two reasons why I did this. As I said before, the poem can be interpreted as either fear of people or fear of words, or both. I really liked this ambiguity and felt that in English the absence of these pronouns could convey that well. I also wanted to make my translation less wordy, which this exclusion made possible. Perhaps it sounds better with the pronouns. However, at the moment, I like the sound of this version.
This project really made me rethink what fidelity to the original text could encompass. In this case, fidelity was not being faithful to the specific word choices or meaning of the text. Rather, it was being faithful to the mood the poem invokes. A rhythm and perhaps a voice of regretful disapproval, perhaps longing, is needed to really be faithful to the poem. This process was an intriguing one, and one that I wonder if I will ever fully comprehend.
Previous Draft:
I am so afraid of the people's word
I am so afraid of the people's word.
They say it all with such precision:
And this is called hound and that is called house
and here is begin and the end is there.
Their mind scares me too, their mocking game,
they know all, that which will be and was;
no mountain for them is more wonderful;
their garden and grounds go straight to God.
I want ever to warn and to fight: Stay away.
The singing things I desire to hear.
You touch them: they are stiff and dumb.
You slay all these things for me.
I am so afraid of the people's word
I am so afraid of the people's word.
They say it all with such precision:
And this is called hound and that is called house
and here is begin and the end is there.
Their mind scares me too, their mocking game,
they know all, that which will be and was;
no mountain for them is more wonderful;
their garden and grounds go straight to God.
I want ever to warn and to fight: Stay away.
The singing things I desire to hear.
You touch them: they are stiff and dumb.
You slay all these things for me.